写在看完Bang Gang之后杂文随笔

　　The singer asked:“How are you feeling tonight”? I shouted:"Dead." Then I asked myself: how can that be the first word that pops into my mind? How can I feel so dead when everything I do is to stay alive?

　　Then the girl standing next to me shouted:"Lonely." But she said it as if it were a dark joke. Everyone puts a little bit of their heart in the jokes they make. I wonder where her heart is. The singer was not taken aback by this answer. He did a vague smile and then said:"Maybe there’s someone else in the crowd who is also feeling lonely, so you can reach out and talk to each other." Then he paused a bit and adjusted his guitar, added:"We all feel lonely sometimes. Maybe more than once or twice, maybe millions of times." I love the word million, not because its quantity, but it’s intensity. I watched this interview of some female writer some days before. I can’t remember whether she’s Angela Carter or Zadie Smith. The writer said something like:"It all depends on what you want to achieve with your time." My answer is intensity. I choose intensity. I want intensity from this life.

　　I take a close look at the singer. He has thin hairs. I wonder what kind of hair shampoo he uses. He doesn’t look different after 10 years. It has been 10 years since I first heard Forever Now. 10 years is a long time. When you are young moments are years. Then years become moments after you reach some point in your life. I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or bad thing. Maybe there are just not that many things to remember in this life. You are meant to let go.

　　When they started to sing Forever Now, I wanted to cry, but I held it back because I am not a sponge. I am a filter. You were right about that. I am not a human being. I hurt to feel alive. I destroy myself to become more. I don’t have any faith left inside. I gave up on that kind of love million years ago. Then the lights changed from dark blue to a warm beige. That’s when I noticed the music had gone. Back to reality and feeling like a ghost from my own past.

　　十年前科比还在打球，那时候的夏天没有现在热，某一天凌晨一点半我的随机播放里出现了Bang Gang，下载了一堆放在电脑里，睡不着的时候拿出来听。现在睡不着的时候我不再听歌，因为知道时间经不起放任。

　　演出开始之后的前二十分钟前面的人几乎没有律动，光顾着拿各种器材记录现场。在这种时候我会觉得上海真是死气沉沉，一点可塑性都没有，跟着音乐律动这么本能的事情都不会，活着还有什么意思。但我多么幼稚多么狭隘，人选择自己要的东西，天经地义，甘之如饴。

　　其实已经很多年不听他们了，顶多是在整理电脑文件的时候偶遇之后听一下。但人应该记得自己小时候喜欢的东西，因为记得是忘掉的第一步，然后才是检验，检验之后就能得出暂时的结论，在下一次更新换代之前保持平静，过得开心。最近单曲循环最多的歌是Here She Comes Again，听一首歌听到吐是我从小养成的好习惯。

　　演出结束之后我戴上耳机，幽灵似的逃出人群，去地铁站的路上抬头看了一眼比我走得还快的云。突然想到早上出门的时候有很舒服的风，家门口的梧桐有好看的颜色，希望明天还会有。